10 Steps To Effective Listening
In today’s high-tech, high-speed,
high-stress world, communication is more important then ever, yet we seem to
devote less and less time to really listening to one another. Genuine listening
has become a rare gift—the gift of time. It helps build relationships, solve
problems, ensure understanding, resolve conflicts, and improve accuracy. At
work, effective listening means fewer errors and less wasted time. At home, it
helps develop resourceful, self-reliant kids who can solve their own problems.
Listening builds friendships and careers. It saves money and marriages.
Here are 10 tips to help you develop effective listening skills.
Step 1: Face the speaker and
maintain eye contact.
Talking to someone while they scan
the room, study a computer screen, or gaze out the window is like trying to hit
a moving target. How much of the person’s divided attention you are actually
getting? Fifty percent? Five percent? If the person were your child you might
demand, “Look at me when I’m talking to you,” but that’s not the sort of thing
we say to a lover, friend or colleague.
In most Western cultures, eye contact is considered a basic
ingredient of effective communication. When we talk, we look each other in the
eye. That doesn’t mean that you can’t carry on a conversation from across the
room, or from another room, but if the conversation continues for any length of
time, you (or the other person) will get up and move. The desire for better
communication pulls you together.
Do your conversational partners the courtesy of turning to face
them. Put aside papers, books, the phone and other distractions. Look at them,
even if they don’t look at you. Shyness, uncertainty, shame, guilt, or other
emotions, along with cultural taboos, can inhibit eye contact in some people
under some circumstances. Excuse the other guy, but stay focused yourself.
Step 2: Be attentive, but
relaxed.
Now that you’ve made eye contact, relax. You don’t have to stare
fixedly at the other person. You can look away now and then and carry on like a
normal person. The important thing is to be attentive. The dictionary says that
to “attend” another person means to:
·
be present
·
give attention
·
apply or direct yourself
·
pay attention
·
remain ready to serve
Mentally screen out
distractions, like background activity and noise. In addition, try not to focus
on the speaker’s accent or speech mannerisms to the point where they become
distractions. Finally, don’t be distracted by your own thoughts, feelings, or
biases.
Step 3: Keep an open mind.
Listen without judging the other person or mentally criticizing
the things she tells you. If what she says alarms you, go ahead and feel
alarmed, but don’t say to yourself, “Well, that was a stupid move.” As soon as
you indulge in judgmental bemusements, you’ve compromised your effectiveness as
a listener.
Listen without jumping to conclusions. Remember that the speaker
is using language to represent the thoughts and feelings inside her brain. You
don’t know what those thoughts and feelings are and the only way you’ll find
out is by listening.
Don’t be a sentence-grabber. Occasionally my partner can’t slow
his mental pace enough to listen effectively, so he tries to speed up mine by
interrupting and finishing my sentences. This usually lands him way off base,
because he is following his own train of thought and doesn’t learn where my
thoughts are headed. After a couple of rounds of this, I usually ask, “Do you
want to have this conversation by yourself, or do you want to hear what I have
to say?” I wouldn’t do that with everyone, but it works with him.
Step 4: Listen to the
words and try to picture what the speaker is saying.
Allow your mind to create a mental model of the information being
communicated. Whether a literal picture, or an arrangement of abstract
concepts, your brain will do the necessary work if you stay focused, with
senses fully alert. When listening for long stretches, concentrate on, and
remember, key words and phrases.
When it’s your turn to listen, don’t spend the time planning what
to say next. You can’t rehearse and listen at the same time. Think only about
what the other person is saying.
Finally, concentrate on what is being said, even if it bores you.
If your thoughts start to wander, immediately force yourself to refocus.
Step 5: Don’t interrupt
and don’t impose your “solutions.”
Children used to be taught that it’s rude to interrupt. I’m not
sure that message is getting across anymore. Certainly the opposite is being
modeled on the majority of talk shows and reality programs, where loud,
aggressive, in-your-face behavior is condoned, if not encouraged.
Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:
·
“I’m more important than you
are.”
·
“What I have to say is more
interesting, accurate or relevant.”
·
“I don’t really care what you
think.”
·
“I don’t have time for your
opinion.”
·
“This isn’t a conversation,
it’s a contest, and I’m going to win.”
We all think
and speak at different rates. If you are a quick thinker and an agile talker,
the burden is onyouto
relax your pace for the slower, more thoughtful communicator—or for the guy who
has trouble expressing himself.
When listening to someone talk about a problem, refrain from
suggesting solutions. Most of us don’t want your advice anyway. If we do, we’ll
ask for it. Most of us prefer to figure out our own solutions. We need you to
listen and help us do that. Somewhere way down the line, if you are absolutely
bursting with a brilliant solution, at least get the speaker’s permission. Ask,
“Would you like to hear my ideas?”
Step 6: Wait for the
speaker to pause to ask clarifying questions.
When you don’t understand something, of course you should ask the
speaker to explain it to you. But rather than interrupt, wait until the speaker
pauses. Then say something like, “Back up a second. I didn’t understand what
you just said about…”
Step 7: Ask questions only
to ensure understanding.
At lunch, a colleague is excitedly telling you about her trip to
Vermont and all the wonderful things she did and saw. In the course of this
chronicle, she mentions that she spent some time with a mutual friend. You jump
in with, “Oh, I haven’t heard from Alice in ages. How is she?” and, just like
that, discussion shifts to Alice and her divorce, and the poor kids, which
leads to a comparison of custody laws, and before you know it an hour is gone
and Vermont is a distant memory.
This
particular conversational affront happens all the time. Our questions lead
people in directions that have nothing to do with where they thought they were going.
Sometimes we work our way back to the original topic, but very often we don’t.
When you notice that your question has led the speaker astray,
take responsibility for getting the conversation back on track by saying
something like, “It was great to hear about Alice, but tell me more about your
adventure in Vermont.”
Step 8: Try to feel what
the speaker is feeling.
If you feel sad when the person with whom you are talking
expresses sadness, joyful when she expresses joy, fearful when she describes
her fears—and convey those feelings through your facial expressions and
words—then your effectiveness as a listener is assured. Empathy is the heart
and soul of good listening.
To
experience empathy, you have to put yourself in the other person’s place and
allow yourself to feel what it is like to be her at that moment. This
is not an easy thing to do. It takes energy and concentration. But it is a
generous and helpful thing to do, and it facilitates communication like nothing
else does.
Step 9: Give the speaker
regular feedback.
Show that you understand where the speaker is coming from by
reflecting the speaker’s feelings. “You must be thrilled!” “What a terrible ordeal
for you.” “I can see that you are confused.” If the speaker’s feelings are
hidden or unclear, then occasionally paraphrase the content of the message. Or
just nod and show your understanding through appropriate facial expressions and
an occasional well-timed “hmmm” or “uh huh.”
The idea is to give the speaker some proof that you are listening,
and that you are following her train of thought—not off indulging in your own
fantasies while she talks to the ether.
In task situations, regardless of whether at work or home, always
restate instructions and messages to be sure you understand correctly.
Step 10: Pay attention to
what isn’t said—to nonverbal cues.
If you exclude email, the majority of direct communication is
probably nonverbal. We glean a great deal of information about each other
without saying a word. Even over the telephone, you can learn almost as much
about a person from the tone and cadence of her voice than from anything she
says. When I talk to my best friend, it doesn’t matter what we chat about, if I
hear a lilt and laughter in her voice, I feel reassured that she’s doing well.
Face to face with a person, you can detect enthusiasm, boredom, or
irritation very quickly in the expression around the eyes, the set of the
mouth, the slope of the shoulders. These are clues you can’t ignore. When
listening, remember that words convey only a fraction of the message.
Listening Skills Exercise:
Summarize, Summarize, Summarize!
For at least one week, at the end of every conversation in which
information is exchanged, conclude with a summary statement. In conversations
that result in agreements about future obligations or activities, summarizing
will not only ensure accurate follow-through, it will feel perfectly natural.
In conversations that do not include agreements, if summarizing feels awkward
just explain that you are doing it as an exercise.
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